The dreaded day has come around yet again. It’s got to the point that Valentine’s Day has become more loathed than loved. Men are always scared that they will forget it and be made to rue the day they were born till they can rectify the situation a year later, women are always worried about not liking the gift they get so practice their “oh my God, I always wanted a lettuce grater” face and as for singles… red balloons in your face everywhere and colleagues receiving large bouquets of velvety red roses whilst you wait patiently for your turkey sandwich to arrive is enough to provoke a massacre of some sort.
For singles, the view from the shelf can be quite scary but fear not… here’s a list of 9 things you can do instead of celebrating V-Day.
- Pretend it’s not happening and go about as usual. Today is Thursday so it’s Grey’s Anatomy, Vampire Diaries and Two and a Half Men whilst doing the laundry in between episodes. Why, was there something else on today? I feel like I’m forgetting something… ah, 30 Rock… yeah, that ended but there’s still a void.
- Arrange a gynae visit. There is nothing less romantic, plus someone will be looking at your hoo-ha. Like killing two birds with one stone.
- Post a heart on Facebook. Just to show that you’re not bitter. Do not under any circumstances send out a tweet or Facebook post begging for Valentines Day wishes. You’re not going to get any and if you do, they will only be from perverts or people who feel sorry for you. You may think that those will do, but no. They won’t do. Snap out of it. The other no-no is posting hate songs such as You Give Love a Bad Name, I Hate Myself For Loving You, All By Myself and nearly all of the Greek songs by Panos Kiamos, my favourite of which goes a little something like this, “If I give you love I should be murdered, look what I was and what I became for you, you got extra-time but you failed, I blew the whistle and now you’re over”. Quality.
- Go out alone and stand next to any guy so that other people think you are together. At the very least sit opposite the barman and pretend he’s your boyfriend and if someone sees him flirting with other customers and looks at you inquisitively, just roll your eyes like, “what is he like”.
- Go out with friends and pretend to be texting whilst smiling and romantically cocking your head to the side the whole time. This gives the impression that there is someone out there who loves you.
- Give in and bawl your eyes out whilst shoving handfuls of chocolate into your mouth. For the very brave, put on the corniest rom-com and watch it.
- For an advanced version of 6 (above), do this (without the crying) with a friend or several friends and take the piss and laugh in the face of romance (Note: do not be the one to ‘break’ first; remember to take regular bathroom breaks to cry).
- If any of your friends ditch you for a boy they just met or for a Skype date with their boyfriend who lives abroad that was arranged last-minute (not that this happened to me), erase them from your life. This can be quite time-consuming so it is a perfect alternative to spending the evening alone thinking about what is so wrong with you that you don’t have a date. By the time you dig out all the pictures of you with said traitor friend, erase every trace that you even knew each other from Facebook or the other social medias, delete their numbers and email addresses, Valentine’s Day will be over and you will still be alive.
- Come up with new ideas that V for Valentine’s could stand for. Here’s a few off the top of my head: Vendetta Day. Virgin Day. Virus Day. Vile Day. Vagina Day. Choose one and celebrate it. You can decide as to how to celebrate each one but a lot of fun could be had depending on how far you are willing to let your imagination stretch.
To all of you who are celebrating, big whoop. “I celebrate love everyday and don’t need a stupid holiday to remind me to celebrate it” and other such bitter quotes. Just so you know, we’re all just sitting up here on the shelf laughing our asses off at how pathetic you all are. Seriously. El, oh, el.
Lust (coz that’s way better than ‘Love’)
Disclaimer: Anything said in this post is intended for humorous purposes only and should in no way be taken literally. The author is a hopeless romantic sap who writes about love and is in love with love and not at all bitter and will certainly not cut-off any friends who opt to spend this day immersed in love, real or fake. (She wishes you all a very Happy Valentine’s Day.)