We seem to be raising a generation of followers… I mean, people, who instead of learning to think before they speak, are learning to think and tweet/status update/post immediately; one could say almost simultaneously.
A wise person (I believe ’twas my tattoed-ponytailed grandfather) once told me that an opinion is like an asshole, everyone’s got one. Being a writer, I definitely have a big one and know how to use it (OI!! I meant my OPINION!!) as I can always find the words (and colourful ones at that) to express express myself (a blessing and a curse… sigh…) so I can personally vouch for the innate urge to write everything down.
Even my shopping list is full of unnecessary words (“1. Bleach: the thick lemon scented yellow one not the one in the blue bottle that smells of semen. 2. Toilet paper: not the one on offer which resulted in major hand-to-bare-asshole action,” and so on). I’ve been training myself in the art of what not to post/status update/tweet (can we agree to call these “Twupdates” for the remainder of this post?) and think I am doing rather well (a few TMI tweets may have escaped my fingertips in the past, I’ll be the first to admit that, but I’ve realised the error of my ways and quit cold turkey). However this has made me majorly judgmental about the sh…tuff I have been reading recently and I’ve been starting to think that maybe censorship isn’t such a bad idea.
I list below a few no-nos when it comes to Twupdating. For God’s sake, please, think before you Tweet!
- “Had a wonderful burger today, thanks @GillianMyNeighbour,” is about as helpful as, “had a wonderful orgasm today, thanks @hubby“. Perhaps try texting Gillian your gratitude (and the same goes for your hubby – see point 4 below for further clarification). “Had a wonderful burger today at the new burger place on [enter street name],” is acceptable because you are being informative and helpful (although perhaps not to vegetarians but you can’t please everybody).
- This point is more like point 1(b) but if your food does not look like it belongs in a Nigella cookbook, then please don’t post a pic of your slop, no matter how delicious you think it is and especially not if you are really hungry. Extreme levels of hunger distort reality (as do extreme levels of horniness).
- “All men are pigs,” is not acceptable. This reads as “I am a bitter shrew“. In fact, you might as well just Twupdate that.
- “Love my baby, Keith, for being the most gorgeous and wonderful man on the planet and who loves me no matter what and for being amazing…” What is Keith doing whilst you are writing this Twupdate? Nuff said. I am however of the opinion that expressing love for family members is a different kettle of fish because, “I love my mum/granddad/dog,” is not something that is a given anymore and we are all guilty of not telling the people we love that we love them and sometimes its nice to have proof (says the cynic in me) but with partners, this is something that kinda should be obvious. “I love my husband.” Well, I should bloody well hope so. (I’m still on the fence about “I love my mistress“.)
- One of the worst things I’ve seen recently since re-activating my facebook account (and which made me immediately regret doing so) is a ‘Friend’ (I swear this should be changed to ‘Just People’) who is a nail technician, who helpfully, bless her heart, posted photographs of a client of hers who was suffering from an acute bout of foot fungus. The photographs in question were extreme close ups (she must either have a really good camera or a major need to sterelise her smart phone) of the said toe nail (at what point of mangled detachment does a toe nail stop being a toe nail? (“Just ’cause a piece of sh!t dries up and stops smelling, doesn’t mean it’s not still a piece of sh!t,” – Justin’s dad. Now THAT’S a TWEET!)). The pictures evidenced the yellowy/green fungus in its full glory. I was toying with the remove/block/report options but ended up just hiding from the timeline, in part grateful for the seemingly permanent loss of my appetite.
- Abused/dead animals/children. Maybe I’m the baddie here… but please, could you not?
- “Hi Steve, how are you? Saw your pics on here, looking really good. Hope to see you soon“. Why? But… Why? Why don’t you call, text or if you don’t have his number, direct message Steve? Just a thought. If on twitter Steve is not following you back and you can’t direct message him, then perhaps he does not want a direct message or any kind of message from you. Move on. Leave Steve alone.
- Mundane everyday acts are only acceptable if there is a good punchline. “Having a coffee whilst looking out of the window,” could be followed at the very least (and just scraping by in the “acceptable tweets” section) by “longing for the rich tea biscuits which were fisnished this morning and never replaced by my soon to be ex-husband (where’s my baseball bat),” or much better still, “and there are two vagrants doing it on my lawn“.
There are many, many more examples but you get the general gist. I would love to hear your examples also but kindly urge you all to adhere to the basic rules so as not to bore/disgust your friends/followers (“Frollowerends”).
Feel free to retweet this blog post. That is definitely acceptable.
P.S. I’m enjoying a cold beer in an internet cafe whilst writing this… yes, that’s all. No, there is no punchline. See how it feels?